The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the condom got lost in my hair
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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