Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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