I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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