He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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