Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
