she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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