i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
