you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
