now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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