he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
