Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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