okay pat passed out under dana's car
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
