I'm gonna have a badass scar
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
