$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
