just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
