We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
