hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
