youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I cannot find my penis.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
