smell my finger.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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