My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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