my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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