I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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