I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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