he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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