1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
