Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
