Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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