My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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