i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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