You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my phone needs a breathalizer
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have aggressive nipples.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
