Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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