you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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