I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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