I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
