Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
