Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
