Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
