i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
