I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
