At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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