you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
