Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
