I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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