at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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