I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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