I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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