I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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