apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i think i just lost a toe
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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