Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
