I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
