Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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